La,
Remember the first time we met? There was something in the air. I felt it. You felt it too. It was the soft wind of a faraway storm. It was looming in the distance, and we knew it was coming.
Remember when the first downpour came? We rejoiced, even danced under the rain. Since April 6, I can only count the number of days that I haven’t heard from you. My SMS inbox, my Wechat, my Facebook Messenger were filled by you.
Thunder struck and the wind howled. Yet we still let it be. Drenched and cold, we grew closer under the storm. In your eyes I saw myself reflected in a light that is beautiful. Flashes of lightning not at all scared me, because I felt safe with you.
I could have stayed out under the rain with you. But we both know it was wrong.
La, you have brought me closer to Allah swt. You have shown me His unending mercy. You have always reminded me of my salah. You have inspired me to become a better Muslimah. You have made me fear Him even more.
And in that fear, I made a decision to leave this all up to fate. Koris, as you say it. You have law school. I have dreams to chase. it is not yet the right time. Being together in the guise of friendship will just lead us to sin. Because you cannot look at me without looking at me in a certain way. And I cannot look at you without catching my breath.
I don’t want us to sin. I may not be with you in this world but I want us to be together in Jannah, with our bucket list still fresh in my memory. We will go gokarting, watching sunrises and visiting libraries. You are my soul mate. That I am certain of. Because everything feels perfect with you. Everything is sweet with you. I can be myself and still feel accepted. I can lay down my armor and shield.
The search is over. I have been found.
When this storm calms, years from now, I hope you have become a lawyer. I hope you have become the man you can be proud of. Know that I have believed in that man long before he got his lawyering degree. I hope that I too become a better woman, not as fragile as I am now.
I promise you that I will take care of myself. I promise you that I won’t hurt again. I promise you that I won’t go back to my old habits. I promise you that I will guard myself better. The walls will be higher now. And I won’t ever be caught staying out late at night.
We don’t know what lays in store for us. But let us trust each other, in the depth of our feelings. Above all, let us trust Allah swt will give us the best for us, here in this world and and the hereafter.
Pagilay ka. Assalamualaikum.
Yours,
Me
